Addiction, the struggle is real…

I sat there, in bed, while my son was crying next to me due to a fever. He didn’t want me to comfort him but he wanted me close, so I sat there and ate apple pie with vanilla custard and had some coffee. This, after a decadent indulgence in chocolate pralines that lasted two days. Perhaps it wasn’t “that many” pralines but they’re rich and I shouldn’t have had them anyway. Regardless I sat there and ate apple pie from a bowl, filled to the brim.

And when the tiny man fell asleep on my lap I was left alone in the peaceful tranquility of my overworked brain. A perfect time for some introspection and meditation, or something equally poetic.

My poor brain was jolted out of its slumber pretty quick when the sugar high hit me like a ton of bricks. It was only then that I realized that my old addiction was back, and this time it means business!

I’m a sugar addict. A real sugar junkie. I self medicate with sugar, which is my drug of choice. I love sugar and consume it by the sleeve-full, with no regards to what form it’s in. From complex carbs to simple sugars, I love it all, and breaking that habit was a nightmare beyond all nightmares. It took me three months of torture to get myself to a good place, and then it took about that long to get back into it.

I remember a specific day especially, when I was out with my best friend for an amazing dinner to celebrate that I had beaten the sugar monster. We split a dessert, a chocolate and licorice lava cake. Delicious. But my body had been detoxed from refined sugars for two years so what happened was I got massive heart palpitations and stomach cramps. I thought I was going to die, so we paced through Stockholm until I settled down a bit.

And instead of that propelling me to never touch sweets again, instead it became a challenge to find my way back to where I started. And sure enough, I am there. I can consume my body weight in sugar, every single day. And I do. Not really considering it to be that big of a deal.

Until today. In bed, next to my sick child, I realized that I was the really sick one. An addict. And it’s been said so many times before, once an addict – always an addict. But I was recovering, which I no longer am. Today I’m not even knee-deep I’m waist-deep in addiction and I need to stop.

I will not quit cold turkey again, instead I will try and phase out the refined sugars first. Then we’re going to attack the part of life that’s always the hardest for me – complex carbs. The breads and pastas, the white rices and all of the good stuff. The things that can be substituted but never replaced.

But I miss fitting into clothes. I miss sleeping without waking because I have a hankering (yes, my addiction is that bad). I miss not being dependent on having something sweet at the house at all times and mostly I miss not being ashamed of my choices.

No new era will start, no new chapter or new book. Instead I will just do better now, where I am and with the tools I have at my disposal. Addiction is awful and a battle to end all battles, but it can be kept in check and it will be once again.

Life isn’t static and this is just a bit of a rough patch. Nothing new or revolutionary, but something that most people encounter on their journey – in one form or another.

May the odds be ever in my flavor… I mean favor.

B. Campbell

Not as fat…

This is the result of piss poor planning, execution thereafter and et voilà! It’s all saggy and blubbery, something I had grown accustomed to not seeing. But sometimes life just has other plans for you than the ones you thought you had made for yourself.

I will have to start fresh with my workout routine, from square one, since it’s been so long since last I did anything. Since I quit training I have been pregnant, and after that I picked up smoking. I’ve sort of been a prisoner in my own home and my own body. But Pudgy is bigger now and isn’t quite as hard to take places as he was the first four months of his life.

So when I have put him down for sleeps tonight I will sit down and make a food schedule for me. And go back to what worked the first time around- food prep for the week. I have no room for error now because if you don’t plan ahead you’re going to fall behind. Or so it’s been for me.

My eating habits have over the last year and a half just gone to shit, I got comfortable and comfortable for me means overeating when I eat and missing meals. That’s not a good routine at all, but it is a routine and those can be changed and altered at any point. It’s never too late to be better and do better.

Other than that, Pudgy is growing at a steady pace and last night he managed to fall back asleep in his crib without any rocking or even my presence. He woke up late, was fed a bit and changed. He looked tired and wired, so I put him in his crib and went out to the kitchen to make a late night sandwich (very bad habit) and when I came back he was asleep! I was so proud of him, my big boy.

But these numbers need to go down, and without a proper routine there’s just no way for that to happen. So we start fresh. Forget what’s been and focus on the future!

Here’s to new beginnings!

/Belma

And the work slowly starts…

Today I’ve done a check of my current BMR (basic metabolic rate). After my surgery, which is scheduled on September 11th, I will start going on a meal plan. I have a lot of excess weight after the pregnancy and the months preceding it.

I won’t have to start from square one but my body really does need some attention. I will put together a work out plan for myself, I can post the details if anyone’s interested. I will also be posting ideas on Instagram, both food and exercise ideas. I have an account called Unicorns and farts blog connected to this blog which has gone unused since somewhat early on in my pregnancy.

But I fully intend on getting back to training and eating a lot better than I have this last year and a half. So, here’s the naked truth, as per today:

Any and all muscles that I once had are now gone and replaced by a healthy layer of fat. But I don’t fear exercise and hard work. I fear going hungry the first few weeks but with some smart planning I won’t have to be hungry at all.

So, once again: here goes nothing!

Mrs. Campbell