A thought crosses my mind…

As I sit in bed, in this dark room, with the rain falling onto the window ledges I can’t help but feel a bit blessed. My boy is asleep again after having a snack, just a moment ago. But this thought just keeps gnawing at me.

How can you leave a child? Regardless of circumstances, regardless of feelings towards the other parent – how can you live with yourself knowing you’ve abandoned a child? Or several, as it were.

It makes no sense to me how a person can just leave something so innocent and pristine as a baby. In my world that cannot be done by a human. A human has feelings and values. They have dignity. Abandoning a child requires something else. Something no decent man or woman ever could or would do or be.

But you know what they say, if you go slumming you’re only going to get what they scrape off of the bottom of the barrel. And so it is.

But my boy sleeps soundly to the sound of the pouring rain, and I sit here in the darkness just listening to him breathing. If that’s not a slice of heaven, then I don’t know what is.

Ms. Campbell

Sleep when the baby sleeps, and other stories…

My boy doesn’t sleep. I mean he does but for about 15-20 minutes at a time, and then he’s up for hours. He’s been this way for as long as he’s been alive. If he’s to sleep any longer than 15-20 minutes I have to keep him on my legs, in his baby nest, and continuously rock him. If I stop rocking him he wakes up in a rage.

He’s fallen asleep on his own once, it took 2,5 hours of screaming and playing and everything one can think of, but he fell asleep without me having to rock him. It was something I celebrated. That was a short lived victory, because he kept waking up and not going down and since that night he doesn’t sleep past 2 AM.

Yesterday he was tired after having thrown up a lot and slept for two hours straight. I was so proud and I did two loads of laundry and all the dishes, I tidied up and painted my nails. I also did something I never thought I’d get to do again: I sat down at the kitchen table and had toast and coffee without having to rush or worry about Erik losing his little mind. It was magnificent, and for the first time since before his arrival I had a hot cup of coffee.

It’s hard to grasp if you’ve never been in that situation. Most parents have to deal with certain situations at times but my boy is a high needs baby (HNB). A HNB is a baby that neither can nor will entertain itself, it needs all your attention at all times or it will throw fits of rage. Erik is a demanding, strong and angry little man. He has more personality than most grown ups I’ve met but he’s damn near impossible sometimes.

The worst part is the sleep, still. I can manage having him on me at all times, not leaving his side for more than a minute at a time. I can take the rage fits, the kicking and screaming. I can live with him refusing to go in the car and the stroller, that’s all manageable- but the sleep deprivation. It’s kicking my butt up and down the street.

Some nights I only get an hour. Some nights I get less. He wakes up at least once an hour, wanting to be rocked back to sleep. Wanting a bit of bobo (bottle). And if the rocking stops – so does the sleeping. So, in order for him to get some sleep I need give up mine. That would be fine if it wasn’t going on for so long, or if I had any help. But alas we are alone. And it’s slowly, but surely breaking me down.

So what’s the point I’m trying to make? When someone says sleep when the baby sleeps I just want to strangle them slowly with the sound of Erik screaming as if he’s being tortured because that’s the soundtrack of my life currently. Whenever I try to put him down for a nap he screams bloody murder. It’s awful and I wish only to get 2 consecutive hours of sleep so I can deal with the commentary from mothers “who know how it is to have a baby”.

Oy vey!

Ms. Campbell

Vlog

I haven’t been vlogging for so long now, so I figured I’d do a quick one now to get back into the routine.

Thank you guys for following a blog that’s been scattered and not very well looked after. But better days are coming. And more active ones!

Ms. Campbell

Life and other stories

What a time to be alive… But that goes for any period in history, really. I’ve had some excitement in my life lately, not all good but it keeps me active.

I haven’t started studying yet. I just don’t have any energy, right now. There’s so much other stuff going on and things keep popping up. Things like lumbago, which was sprung on me just last night. My back is a mess and I can’t deal with the pain. It comes, probably, from carrying one large baby around but I can’t imagine that not being so.

I couldn’t get out of bed this morning, so I called my best friend for help. She’s on vacation, luckily, and came all the way here with some painkillers from the pharmacy and a get-well-soon- kit. Said kit contained milk for my coffee, chocolate, cake, biscuits and Coca Cola. I wanted to cry. And not only that, she took care of Pudgy for a few hours letting me rest my back and wash his bobos (bottles) without any stress. She’s a godsend!

I need some peace of mind. And some rest. But that will have to wait, due to my tiny whale and his sleeping schedule. Or lack thereof. But today he’s been doing well and I’m hoping that will extend to the night as well.

Tomorrow we will try to go on a walk, Pudgy and I, since we never left the house all day today but my back doesn’t really allow me to do anything. I hope it will let up until tomorrow, at least a little.

As you may have figured out by now that my training has been put on hiatus until further notice. Probably silly but my priorities are currently elsewhere. Life is funny that way, it throws you off your path and it’s a journey in itself to find a good way back to what once was familiar grounds.

But we stride on. Let’s see where this journey takes us. What path will I find myself on in a year from now. Or five years. Or better yet, 10 years from now – who will I be and where will that Belma be?

/Belma

 

An unexpected turn…

Life sure can be funny sometimes. And when a door closes a window opens. The window of opportunity, this time.

A while ago I applied to the Google Udacity Scholarship Program. I was hopeful but realistic about my chances. Some time passed and on Monday I received an email saying that due to many qualified applicants I had been rejected. I received that email in the midst of the worst turmoil of my life and it felt like the universe was adding insult to injury. But, like with all things, one must live and let live. So I shrugged it off and went on my marry way.

This week has been full of interesting happenings and I have been feeling awfully chipper and in really good spirits. So when I went into my mailbox, after having put Pudgy down for his ONLY nap, I didn’t expect to see anything interesting. But there it was. My acceptance letter! There had been a mistake made and I was actually accepted. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I must have read that letter maybe ten times. But there it was, saying I was enrolled.

I am so insanely happy and proud to take part in something that at the end of it will enable me to transition from finance into a field that I actually want to be in! And it could not have come at a better time.

The future is looking very bright for me and my tiny whale, and I cannot stress enough how happy that makes me. I’m sure it will be tough and I’ll give myself gray hairs over it but I’m so happy that there is a way for me to go into that field without having to go back to university and live off of scraps together with Pudgy. Or worse yet, study full time and work full time. That would take away from my time with the tiny whale and I just couldn’t do that to him nor me.

But now I don’t have to think about that. So tomorrow I will treat myself to a new laptop and set everything up for Monday when my new adventure starts.

Life really has a funny way…

/Belma

Not as fat…

This is the result of piss poor planning, execution thereafter and et voilà! It’s all saggy and blubbery, something I had grown accustomed to not seeing. But sometimes life just has other plans for you than the ones you thought you had made for yourself.

I will have to start fresh with my workout routine, from square one, since it’s been so long since last I did anything. Since I quit training I have been pregnant, and after that I picked up smoking. I’ve sort of been a prisoner in my own home and my own body. But Pudgy is bigger now and isn’t quite as hard to take places as he was the first four months of his life.

So when I have put him down for sleeps tonight I will sit down and make a food schedule for me. And go back to what worked the first time around- food prep for the week. I have no room for error now because if you don’t plan ahead you’re going to fall behind. Or so it’s been for me.

My eating habits have over the last year and a half just gone to shit, I got comfortable and comfortable for me means overeating when I eat and missing meals. That’s not a good routine at all, but it is a routine and those can be changed and altered at any point. It’s never too late to be better and do better.

Other than that, Pudgy is growing at a steady pace and last night he managed to fall back asleep in his crib without any rocking or even my presence. He woke up late, was fed a bit and changed. He looked tired and wired, so I put him in his crib and went out to the kitchen to make a late night sandwich (very bad habit) and when I came back he was asleep! I was so proud of him, my big boy.

But these numbers need to go down, and without a proper routine there’s just no way for that to happen. So we start fresh. Forget what’s been and focus on the future!

Here’s to new beginnings!

/Belma